Christmas time...

What can i say; Christmas came and went, wrapped in a trip to Holland. I arrived cheerful, lured in by apparent non freezing temperatures and the promise of chocolates and lights..There was a lot of that, but i got a bit sicker every day and on my last day i was in bed, ranked out. Someone told me once that i didn't know how to manage my energy. This remark came back to me as a i tried to unravel my uneasy feelings. It was lovely to see everybody, to hear their stories, and as always heartbreaking that it was too short and too fast. But something else was going on this time, i realized that i was unrecognizing myself. I am disappearing from my own past, or something in me is disappearing and a part of me wants to hold on to it, because it so familiar and save.

All this has to do with decisions i made and roads i have chosen. Just that being back in Holland makes me realize how insecure i can be, or how different my way seems from others. How easily i can be convinced of having made the wrong choices, or that it´s not too late to turn the tide and sail towards a tangible future. These are my own doubts and fears reflected in other´s lives.. i got tangled up in my emotions..and it wore me out.

Though my road does feel unsteady, looking outside myself isn´t the way to go about things, and neither is looking for approval. In 2009 i would like to be more confident about my way of doing and seeing things, also outside my own territory. And be able to defend the things i value. Yes, I am proud of my friends and their choices and roads. But it is time that i learn to feel that way about mine, even if it´s slightly off the map.